


Dollhouse

by junxouji



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop, Original Work
Genre: Angst, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, F/M, M/M, Romance, Trans Male Character, Transgender, mtf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2014-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-25 07:07:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2612765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junxouji/pseuds/junxouji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She plunges deep into varying degrees of despair until she's not sure she'll be able to get up again. </p><p>She knows it's bad to deceive others but she's done it for so long she sure she's even deceived himself. All Junmyeon wants is to be loved even for things she isn't.</p><p>She doesn't want to hurt them but in the end, that's all she's good for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dollhouse

She plunges deep into varying degrees of despair until she's not sure she'll be able to get up again. It’s been like this as long as she could remember. Junmyeon use to see the world in color-- it’s varying shades and tones. But after a while you lose the rose tinted fantasy you’re told to believe as a child; and that’s where she fell.

 

Junmyeon considered herself an actor of sorts. She had worked at the same rundown queer bar on the end of a busy street that specialized in it’s drag queen performers called Black Diamond. She worked as a shy and a new waiter serving fruity drinks to equally fruity people as they watched the queens dance and sing. It was somewhere along that line of work she realized she hated serving and much preferred the idea of her sharing the stage with a scandalously short dress on, rogue on her cheeks, and beauty emitting from her skin.

 

The days of her shy, modest childhood were behind Junmyeon. She pushed past the blanket of her pre-teen days where she was considered a twink to the days of high fashion and expensive dinners where she’s considered an exotic morsel for her wealthy dates. Because she doesn’t just put on a dress and call herself a woman, you see. Anyone could do that. But Junmyeon becomes and embraces the feminine power she feels when she dresses. Suddenly she’s no longer unhappy and she feels beautiful for once in her fucking life and it’s great.

 

But those days are short lived. Because Junmyeon always had a hard time with staying out of trouble. As she ages, she grows bitter. She grows more drastic to keep her high she’s getting from life, struggling to hold onto the threads of her slippery slope happiness. She becomes desperate- because the beauty is fading. And it’s one night she’s fucking in her dressing room at Black Diamond, her back being pressed against the mirror, tubes of lipstick dropped to the ground, her thighs clenching around the male pounding into her muttering obscene things about her ‘pussy’ that Junmyeon decides the hell with it! Once the man is finished, they both clean themselves up and the man pulls out a case with a syringe. Junmyeon doesn't remember his name but doesn’t really think it matters. She just knows the man promises the content of the needle will make her feel good and feeling good is all Junmyeon has ever cared about.

 

She wobbles out of his dressing room in hysteria. Her dress is on, his hair perfectly done hanging down her back, and she walks in those heels like she was born in them. But there is a recklessness her coworkers pick up on. The redness of her eyes, the loudness of her usually soft words, and the jittery nerves of the normally calm woman. And they all see Junmyeon falling. They just figure it’s none of their business to try to stop her.

 

Junmyeon really never stood a chance against addiction. It comes like a tidal wave and crushes everything in it’s path.

 

There is a different type of addiction Junmyeon is introduced to when she reaches her twenty-ninth birthday at Black Diamond. Everyone cheers and laughs and reminds her how she doesn’t look a day over twenty-two-- Junmyeon smiles tightly and goes on with the job shamelessly flirting with the men who come to escape their wives and live out their homoerotic fantasies at the gay bar when she spots someone staring at him. He might have not noticed her but the other was nearly impossible to miss.

 

Handsome.

Young.

Eager.

 

Junmyeon is suddenly glad she wore his favorite red dress and heels. His long dark hair is pinned up and his makeup is light as if trying to make him appear somewhat virginal and innocent. God knows he was anything but.

 

“Oh dear,” Junmyeon smiles, “You look a little too young to be here. Did you sneak past security?” She teases lightly.

 

The younger male smiles but it’s a smile that lets Junmyeon know he’s up to no good. His dark hair is styled up, eyes narrowed in focus and intent, and his tan skin looked delicious. Junmyeon wonders what got the younger male into the bar.

 

It’s through a few flirtatious words and charming compliments Junmyeon realizes just how dangerous the spitfire is. She can only hope to keep her mind when the other is around: because he continues to come back on Junmyeon’s work nights.

 

Junmyeon learned his name was Jongin. Jongin brings her flattering bouquets of roses on night’s she performs and they laugh about the silliest things.

 

It’s certainly different with Jongin. He’s dangerous. Being so young and handsome-- he knows how to make Junmyeon blush, something she hadn’t done in a while.

 

“You’re one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen.” Jongin confesses one night when they’re walking back to Junmyeon’s apartment after a long night at Black Diamond. Junmyeon looks over, hugging her peacoat around her frame tighter, brushing her hair from her face. It was the sincerity Jongin said it with that surprised her.

 

Sometimes Junmyeon forgot what it was like to be beautiful. It’s somewhere along that walk to her home that she realizes how much she’s grown to like Jongin. She decides she loves him when the younger stops at his door, leaves a chaste kiss on her lips so boldly, and leaves without expecting anything in return.

 

Junmyeon has lived as a lady for most of her adult life. But to be treated like one…. it was a first.

  
  
  


 

She finds her moments of darkness when she’s alone. She wipes the makeup off, ripping the false eyelashes in anger, and her hand trembles as she touches her bare skin. She wonders why she wasn’t born as beautiful as Jongin makes her feel?

 

There is a crash and she isn’t sure if it’s her slamming her hand into the mirror or the cracking. She ignores the jolts of pain from the blood pooling down her hand and goes to find her purse somewhere in the mess of his room. She throws glittery dresses aside, wigs of various colors, looking for the damn bag. She finds it and when she does she feels himself sinking. Junmyeon has never liked HIMSELF.

 

She supposes it was when her father tried to kill her for having a faggot of a son. Or when her mother put her cigarettes out on her skin reminding she was no better than ash. She finds the purse and finds the thin rubber band wrapping around her elbow quickly from practice and skill. The scars on the crook of her elbow are disgusting but Junmyeon knows that the feeling is worth the wounds. She finds her needle with her fix already properly mixed inside and injects it once she finds the right vein. She drops to the floor a second later, eyes dilating. Only in moments like this does she feel like the woman she was destined to be.

 

Junmyeon doesn’t realize Jongin comes by later when she doesn’t answer her phone. She’s dazed on the bedroom floor unable to move yet; the effects of the drug still very much into her system. Jongin leans down scooping her up demanding to know what the fuck she was thinking. Junmyeon can only laugh since she hasn’t had a sane thought in years.

 

She doesn’t mean to hurt him. But, Junmyeon has always been a sadist.  There were moments when Jongin’s anger would come in a fury.

 

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” He would demand and Junmyeon would laugh because Jongin was so young and naive.

“Honey, we’re not a couple. You don’t need to question my lifestyle. If you don’t like it there is a door you can walk out of on your own.” Junmyeon would reply and a hurt look would cross Jongin’s face.

 

Sometimes she wasn’t sure why she did it. She knew after a point that Jongin loved her, fucked up mess and all. It was evident in the way he behaved and tried to treat Junmyeon with patience.

 

Junmyeon was a hurricane. Wild, untamed and ruthless. Junmyeon’s tides crushed against herself like mad waters of pain. She was brutal. And there was only one type of outcome for people like Junmyeon: disaster.

 

“I cannot do this anymore Junmyeon. I love you, you know I do. But I cannot keep this up.” Jongin had said, “I cannot keep worrying one day I am going to find you dead. You haven’t even acknowledged my feelings. You laugh them off and expect me to forever be here.”

 

Junmyeon tensed. “I never asked for you to stay here. I never forced you. You’re free to fucking leave.” But the insides were spinning wildly desperately wanting to cling but her pride wouldn’t allow it.

 

And Jongin did leave.

 

Her eyes blinked rapidly as if struggling to keeping the lids open. Her lips were cold and her fingers twitching madly at her own skin. Even as her mind spun away like a wisp of string in the wind, she clung to the memory of Jongin’s smile.. It was all fun and games until someone falls in love she supposed. As she gasped madly for air, her heart hammered much too quick, and she felt like all her life she had been glued  to this life without much of a choice. Junmyeon had regrets. But she had also had dreams-- even people like her who are far too broken to ever be fixed had dreams.

 

Some dreams just got away from her.

 

 

  
  


 


End file.
